Kind of a Wreck, Kind of a Leader

One of the most common assumptions leaders make is that when someone doesn’t actively engage on a team, it means they don’t care. That they aren’t invested. That they’re choosing to disconnect.

But what if it’s not disengagement at all? What if it’s a quiet form of self-protection?

What if they’ve already tried, and didn’t feel safe?

Psychological safety is about more than just being able to speak up in a meeting. It’s about belonging. It’s about knowing that your presence matters, that your voice won’t be dismissed, that you won’t be punished, socially or professionally, for simply existing a little differently than others.

I know this because I’ve lived it.

As a child, I moved around a lot. I was often the new kid. Sometimes I didn’t even stay in the same school for a full year. And being the new kid wasn’t always easy. Being friends with the new kid wasn’t always easy either. I spent a lot of time feeling like I was on the outside.

There were moments where I tried to connect. Moments where I put myself out there. But rejection, especially repeated rejection, leaves a mark. I learned not to get my hopes up. I learned to protect myself.

And I brought that with me into adulthood.

Today, in professional spaces, I might seem distant or quiet if I don’t feel like I’m wanted in the room. But as a leader, I’m still expected to show up, deliver, and perform, and I do. Sometimes it feels like flipping a switch, turning ‘on’ because the role requires it. So to many, it may seem like everything is fine. But there are others who might catch a different version of me, the one who feels hesitant, unsure, or quietly unwanted. That version still shows up too, just not always in ways everyone notices. I may have already extended myself. And if I felt even a hint of being unwelcome, I likely stopped trying. Not because I don’t care. But because I’ve already felt what it’s like to not belong, and I don’t want to relive it.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs tells us that belonging is foundational, right up there with safety. For most of my formative years, I didn’t feel like I belonged. And that doesn’t just go away because I’m an adult now. It still lingers. It still shows up.

So, if you’re a leader, and someone on your team seems like they’re pulling back, pause before assuming it’s disengagement. Consider what you don’t know. Consider what it might have taken for that person to even show up in the first place.

Because sometimes, the people who seem like they don’t want to be there are the ones who’ve spent their whole lives learning what it feels like to not be wanted.

And they’re just trying not to feel that way again.