Kind of a Wreck, Kind of a Leader

Before I ever led a team, I had a picture in my head of what it would be like. I thought leadership would mean calm, productive days with time to strategize and coach. I imagined myself connecting with each person, delivering thoughtful recognition, and walking away from every meeting feeling like I had truly moved the needle.

Reality, of course, looks different. Some days it’s death by meeting. I can go hours without standing up, my legs stiff and reminding me that I have been sitting too long. I will look at my calendar and see no room to breathe or think because just when I carve out 15 minutes, someone schedules a quick chat. And I say yes, because as a leader, you prioritize the needs of others over your own most of the time.

I also thought building relationships would just happen. I would invest time, I would listen, and people would naturally open up. But titles can create distance. Sometimes I feel hesitation in the room, not because I have done anything wrong but because I represent authority or change. I have learned that trust is not something you can rush. It is slow, sometimes quiet, and often feels one-sided at first.

Recognition, too, is not as simple as I thought. I wonder constantly: Am I doing it enough? Am I doing it right? I will send a “great job” message and second-guess whether it sounded meaningful or just routine. And yes, there are days when I get so caught up in putting out fires and seemingly endless meetings that I forget to send anything at all. Recognition takes more than just intention. It takes emotional presence, and that is hard to maintain when your day is a blur.

The emotional work of leadership is the part no one tells you about. Navigating so many different personalities, figuring out what motivates each person, what might discourage them, what helps them feel seen, is as much art as it is skill. Some days, I am confident in my approach. Other days, I am reading and re-reading a Teams message, hoping it does not come off too blunt.

I used to think leadership would feel powerful. The reality is that it feels personal. It is showing up when the day does not go to plan. It is leading even when you do not have all the answers. It is balancing your team’s needs with your own and often realizing your own will have to wait.

I still love being a leader, but not in the polished, Instagram-quote kind of way. More in the messy, figuring-it-out-as-I-go kind of way.

What I ordered: a smooth leadership journey with perfect plans and clear wins.
What I got: a mix of challenges, messy lessons, and moments of growth that are far more rewarding than I expected.